Please stick baby. please please please ...

9DPO

I Ovulated on Valentines day. A valentine baby sounds super cute, right? I actually ovulated by surprise. I wasn't expecting to ovulate for another 4-5 days. cause in my calculation I ovulated CD12, I usually ovulate CD16-17 ( which is not so good, and makes my luteal phase short). anyway, That was actually good news, although it took me by surprise but that meant no stress for BDing(and yet it's covered the fertile window), no obsession with OPK ( I even didnt have any at home, I just knew because I had a horrible ovulation pain ) I tested with OPK the same day and got a very dark line, I kept testing for another 7 days and the line faded away. I also did the progesterone test yesterday on CD21 ( that's another story, was it really CD21? should I count the spotting days as day1 or only full flow?  ) or 8DPO (of that I am sure now) and the result came back surprisingly good. super high actually which confirms ovulation ( a strong one) and the fact that my body produces good amount of progesterone. I am kinda relax now. I was in so much stress. they took a hCG as well which was negative. but I want to just assume that it was early and I still have time. So fingers and toes crossed for a BFP very soon .

After the appointment

So, I talked to the doctor. He kept saying it was just a bad luck, both times.
He said I can put you on progesterone supplement if you want but it has side effects, and I don't know  if it really helps. He said I am pretty sure your progesterone is good at the beginning, but you can test it CD21 or 7DPO. ( CD21 wont be 7dpo for me for sure. cuz I usually ovulate cd 16 or 17 ) but anyways, I have a week to get myself tested. and apparently it is all up to me. to take the progesterone or not, to just go for it one more time to see what happens, or test and make decisions based on the results.
I am a bit confused, no one seems to have a plan. It's a wait-and-see game apparently. I have read tons of stories and forums. got some idea about how things work, but not completely. its very complicated. the Doc also told me its very complicated so you can just go for the supplement without being tested, cause even testing it doesn't show much. pffff.
So we just wait and test and see, for now.

Chemical Pregnancy, again

I dont know where to start. I lost it again. It was another chemical pregnancy, lasted way shorter than last time. only 4 days. I cant believe this is happening to me .

AF supposed to come on Tuesday, I had brown spotting all way from Tuesday to Friday, got my first BFP on Wednesday and a bit stronger ones on Tuesday and Friday. Bleeding started on Friday afternoon with horrible cramps, tested Sunday again, very very faint line again, got my hcg on Monday, it was zero.

The doctor was like, are you sure you were pregnant? I said I am, because I checked with so many tests, so many times.
I bled for around 7 days. I have an appointment with another doctor today talking about what the hell is happening to me. I asked the doctor I went to on Monday about that, he said no one knows. he said it's probably bad luck and it probably wont happen again. I said I dont want statistics, "probably" doesn't work for me, I don't want to put myself in the same situation again for you to be proven to, that some thing should be cured. I want the cure right now. he said,  I understand, but I cant do much. I asked for progesterone level check and he said, that I can do ( like I have to teach them their jobs, pfff) So I am going to another one ( actually this one is my doctor, but his schedule is always tight and doesn't have urgent appointments ) .

I researched, I am apparently fertile ( got pregnant 2 times in last 3 months) but I have a problem with keeping the baby, or implanting in other words, and that is most likely a hormonal problem.
Either my progesterone level is low, or my luteal phase is short (12 days) which is a syndrome called luteal phase defect (LPD) which doesn't allow the fertile egg to implant correctly.
The cure for both LPD and law progesterone level ( which cause narrow uterus lining ) is progesterone, and also vitamin B6.  I am going to insist to the doctor to prescribe me both, or test progesterone right after ovulation at least. If that didn't work, or that wasn't the problem, it's either bad luck, or something seriously wrong. I really cant believe I am going through this. I always thought I am a healthy person. Never in a million years thought that my body would betray me.

I dont know what to think or what to do. Am I sad? yes, but I'm doing ok. I don't cry, or being depressed. Am I in denial? maybe, I am more in shock. sometimes I think maybe I wasn't pregnant at all ( cause you know, no doctor ever confirmed this one, cuz I didn't wanna go to one ) sometimes I think maybe I am still pregnant and the hcg zero was a lab mistake. So yes, I am in denial in someway. Am I angry? Yes I am , and scared. very very scared.

But frankly, I am very happy that it didn't last as long as last time, so I can start TTC again. it's a stupid thing to say maybe, "happy" is a wrong word, but I mean when it's not supposed to be viable, I prefer to get my period asap and get zero hcg asap so I can TTC again. and yes, I am not going to wait one cycle this time.

I hope DH will cooperate with me, I can see that he is a total mess as well. I can see that he is very very tired, frustrated and feels helpless. So it all can lead to not being very eager to try this month. I hope not, I hope he comes to his mind. We are both lost, we don't know what to do or what to think, it's a frustrating situation. you have mixed feelings, you don't wanna make a big deal out of it, but it is a big deal for you anyways.

I will update after my appointment today again. I hope he can see some lights at the end of the tunnel. I can't. or I want to be able to, but I don't know. I just want to start trying again. that's all I wanna do.

14DPO, 2 days late.

You want an update? it's positive. it's definitely a positive. it is still a bit faint but clear enough to be considered as BFP. I'm still confused and scared though. I still have brown spotting and mild cramps. If I haven't had the MC experience I would have said its just implantation bleeding and everything is just fine. and it's faint cuz its early ( today is 14DPO ). But I cant , it's sad though that the lines give me more stress than joy. It shouldn't be like this. The lines should be as joyful as it is for everybody else. The MC experience ruined my BFP-joy I guess .
So we just hope and pray that this one sticks. We just hope and pray for happy healthy pregnancy.

Weird stuff is going on

So many weird things are going on. Yesterday at 12DPO and the day AF was supposed to due, I got a veryveryvery faint line on a Clearblue early. The test is supposed to have a 10 mlU sensitivity. I couldn't trust my eyes much so I didn't get my hopes up. I was having cramps and brown-ish very very light spotting. so I thought the AF should be here any moment. day was passed and she haven't shown up . I went happy to the bed thinking I am a day late. Next morning , today , 13DPO. same thing happened. very very very faint line (on another test with 25mlU), brown spotting. cramps. I really don't know what is going on. the tests are so faint that I really don't know if they are real BFPs, but I  swear there is some lines there and its not just a shadow. on the other hand I feel like the AF should be here any moment, with the cramps and spotting, its exactly like a beginning of a period. Am I having another CP? God, I don't wanna go through another one. It scares the hell out of me. Is it too early that's why the tests are faint and the spotting are implantation bleeding? is it just a normal AF , only a day late and the lines was just shadows or indent or something other than a positive line?

The worst part is I have to wait and in a week time or so, I will get the answer :(
Whatever it is, please dont be another CP, please :|

Tww nonsense

Although I don't see lots of chances this month, I'am a total wreck. I really don't know why. My mind is playing nasty games with me for sure, I am in a worst PMSing kind of mood you can ever imagine. and I get a 2ww brain again. That's a term I made up (here) when I was pregnant 3 years ago and man it's an accurate term describing my feelings. Today is only 5DPO and I have to wait at least till 9DPO for testing. Last time with my CP , it was never positive until 13DPO though, but that cycle doesn't count.
This time, its not waiting that makes it hard, its the whole daily life. its preparing the kid for daycare in the morning, dealing with work stuffs, dealing with all the feelings and things that happen every day, PLUS keeping TTC on the corner of your mind, try to eat healthy and try to plan wisely. Not being able to plan the near futures, like traveling and company dinners (that's totally an extra chapter ) is also making it even harder.
I don't wanna mention having the fear to be obliged to continue living like this for the unknown amount of time. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of not getting the result you want. I know people can advise me not to think about it all and live my life until it happens, and it happens healthy, and it happens happily, but thats just easy in theory. practically its always on the corner of your mind. until it resolves. No matter how much you try not to think about the elephant in the room.
BTW, can you try not to think about a giant elephant in the room , right now? come on, go on and NOT to think about it.
There, now you understand.