14DPO, 2 days late.

You want an update? it's positive. it's definitely a positive. it is still a bit faint but clear enough to be considered as BFP. I'm still confused and scared though. I still have brown spotting and mild cramps. If I haven't had the MC experience I would have said its just implantation bleeding and everything is just fine. and it's faint cuz its early ( today is 14DPO ). But I cant , it's sad though that the lines give me more stress than joy. It shouldn't be like this. The lines should be as joyful as it is for everybody else. The MC experience ruined my BFP-joy I guess .
So we just hope and pray that this one sticks. We just hope and pray for happy healthy pregnancy.

Weird stuff is going on

So many weird things are going on. Yesterday at 12DPO and the day AF was supposed to due, I got a veryveryvery faint line on a Clearblue early. The test is supposed to have a 10 mlU sensitivity. I couldn't trust my eyes much so I didn't get my hopes up. I was having cramps and brown-ish very very light spotting. so I thought the AF should be here any moment. day was passed and she haven't shown up . I went happy to the bed thinking I am a day late. Next morning , today , 13DPO. same thing happened. very very very faint line (on another test with 25mlU), brown spotting. cramps. I really don't know what is going on. the tests are so faint that I really don't know if they are real BFPs, but I  swear there is some lines there and its not just a shadow. on the other hand I feel like the AF should be here any moment, with the cramps and spotting, its exactly like a beginning of a period. Am I having another CP? God, I don't wanna go through another one. It scares the hell out of me. Is it too early that's why the tests are faint and the spotting are implantation bleeding? is it just a normal AF , only a day late and the lines was just shadows or indent or something other than a positive line?

The worst part is I have to wait and in a week time or so, I will get the answer :(
Whatever it is, please dont be another CP, please :|

Tww nonsense

Although I don't see lots of chances this month, I'am a total wreck. I really don't know why. My mind is playing nasty games with me for sure, I am in a worst PMSing kind of mood you can ever imagine. and I get a 2ww brain again. That's a term I made up (here) when I was pregnant 3 years ago and man it's an accurate term describing my feelings. Today is only 5DPO and I have to wait at least till 9DPO for testing. Last time with my CP , it was never positive until 13DPO though, but that cycle doesn't count.
This time, its not waiting that makes it hard, its the whole daily life. its preparing the kid for daycare in the morning, dealing with work stuffs, dealing with all the feelings and things that happen every day, PLUS keeping TTC on the corner of your mind, try to eat healthy and try to plan wisely. Not being able to plan the near futures, like traveling and company dinners (that's totally an extra chapter ) is also making it even harder.
I don't wanna mention having the fear to be obliged to continue living like this for the unknown amount of time. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of not getting the result you want. I know people can advise me not to think about it all and live my life until it happens, and it happens healthy, and it happens happily, but thats just easy in theory. practically its always on the corner of your mind. until it resolves. No matter how much you try not to think about the elephant in the room.
BTW, can you try not to think about a giant elephant in the room , right now? come on, go on and NOT to think about it.
There, now you understand.

TTC after MC

I am glad that I've waited at least one cycle after miscarriage for trying again.
If you google, you find lots of stories of people got pregnant again 1 or 2 weeks after the miscarriage, and they end up having a healthy pregnancy. you also will find stories about people haven't ovulated at all that cycle, or did have another miscarriage. I have no statistic, but all doctors are keep saying if you are sure everything is out naturally, there is no scientific evidence shows that you have to wait. and I accept that. BUT, this cycle is showing me that not everything is got back to normal in my body. not yet. so why take the risk?
One thing that is common in all TTC after MC stories, is that they all agree that their temperatures were all over the place ( they who do temp) and they can not trust the ovulation kit that much, cuz it can happen that it shows + one day and - the next day and again + another day, which we can all agree, no one can can interpret that.  my AF was definitely different than my norm this time and this is another common issue you hear over and there.
So all in all I am glad I made that decision and I hope everything is got back to normal now.

A perfect distraction is on it's way: A piano. I haven't had a piano since I moved out of my parents house. Can't wait to play, perfect timing. I guess it helps to distract myself from obsessing with symptoms and pregnancy for a while. we'll see.

Speaking of symptoms, I know it's way too early for having symptoms, but I crave for food badly. I know I'm a tiny food lover in general, but I think about food, chocolate even ice cream all the time. Can it be somehow related to changes in my body? or it's just a phase in life that people love foods more?