Although I don't see lots of chances this month, I'am a total wreck. I really don't know why. My mind is playing nasty games with me for sure, I am in a worst PMSing kind of mood you can ever imagine. and I get a 2ww brain again. That's a term I made up (here) when I was pregnant 3 years ago and man it's an accurate term describing my feelings. Today is only 5DPO and I have to wait at least till 9DPO for testing. Last time with my CP , it was never positive until 13DPO though, but that cycle doesn't count.
This time, its not waiting that makes it hard, its the whole daily life. its preparing the kid for daycare in the morning, dealing with work stuffs, dealing with all the feelings and things that happen every day, PLUS keeping TTC on the corner of your mind, try to eat healthy and try to plan wisely. Not being able to plan the near futures, like traveling and company dinners (that's totally an extra chapter ) is also making it even harder.
I don't wanna mention having the fear to be obliged to continue living like this for the unknown amount of time. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of not getting the result you want. I know people can advise me not to think about it all and live my life until it happens, and it happens healthy, and it happens happily, but thats just easy in theory. practically its always on the corner of your mind. until it resolves. No matter how much you try not to think about the elephant in the room.
BTW, can you try not to think about a giant elephant in the room , right now? come on, go on and NOT to think about it.
There, now you understand.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
Wait and see
Today is 1 or 2 DPO. I don't know which because my OPK was positive 2 days ago, and I had ovulation pain the same day, late at night tho. Our BD schedules wasn't perfect either. we BDed 3 days prior and on the Ovulation day or the day after. I am not sure which, I don't do temping this time. So we may have missed the egg. well well, its how it is. I can only wait and see.
A lot is going on now in the world, I don't know how to feel. I look at the news and think about adding a little person to this crazy world. On the other hand, She/he may change the world, right? or she/he might not. but if she/he does, that's something. right?
I dont wanna obsess myself with symptoms and overthinking about 2 weeks wait this time. I don't have time for that either, with a 2.5 years old running around being potty trained :D So I will just wait until 9 or 10DPO and test.
A lot is going on now in the world, I don't know how to feel. I look at the news and think about adding a little person to this crazy world. On the other hand, She/he may change the world, right? or she/he might not. but if she/he does, that's something. right?
I dont wanna obsess myself with symptoms and overthinking about 2 weeks wait this time. I don't have time for that either, with a 2.5 years old running around being potty trained :D So I will just wait until 9 or 10DPO and test.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Getting close
CD10 (cycle day 10). We are getting close, but I am sick like hell. I have a Sinus infection and I am still on antibiotics. The infection made my teeth hurt badly because apparently upper teeth roots are going to the sinus area , so I went to the dentist and found out that I need some reparation on my teeth as well. which is good that it's happening right now, you know, before getting pregnant; and bad at the same time , because, you know, who can do the baby dance with being sick and a newly filled tooth?
So nothing goes as planned right now.
I still have the plan to use the OPKs from tonight or tomorrow though. 2 times a day, just to be sure.
I bought a winter dress for 0-2 months couple of days ago. Hubby asked how do you know the baby will be born in winter? I said: he/she should be. Otherwise it means we should keep trying at least 5 months from now. God forbid ;) . I even have hopes to take advantage of the January sale for some winter baby clothes :D we'll see.
So nothing goes as planned right now.
I still have the plan to use the OPKs from tonight or tomorrow though. 2 times a day, just to be sure.
I bought a winter dress for 0-2 months couple of days ago. Hubby asked how do you know the baby will be born in winter? I said: he/she should be. Otherwise it means we should keep trying at least 5 months from now. God forbid ;) . I even have hopes to take advantage of the January sale for some winter baby clothes :D we'll see.
Friday, January 6, 2017
TTC after MC
I am glad that I've waited at least one cycle after miscarriage for trying again.
If you google, you find lots of stories of people got pregnant again 1 or 2 weeks after the miscarriage, and they end up having a healthy pregnancy. you also will find stories about people haven't ovulated at all that cycle, or did have another miscarriage. I have no statistic, but all doctors are keep saying if you are sure everything is out naturally, there is no scientific evidence shows that you have to wait. and I accept that. BUT, this cycle is showing me that not everything is got back to normal in my body. not yet. so why take the risk?
One thing that is common in all TTC after MC stories, is that they all agree that their temperatures were all over the place ( they who do temp) and they can not trust the ovulation kit that much, cuz it can happen that it shows + one day and - the next day and again + another day, which we can all agree, no one can can interpret that. my AF was definitely different than my norm this time and this is another common issue you hear over and there.
So all in all I am glad I made that decision and I hope everything is got back to normal now.
If you google, you find lots of stories of people got pregnant again 1 or 2 weeks after the miscarriage, and they end up having a healthy pregnancy. you also will find stories about people haven't ovulated at all that cycle, or did have another miscarriage. I have no statistic, but all doctors are keep saying if you are sure everything is out naturally, there is no scientific evidence shows that you have to wait. and I accept that. BUT, this cycle is showing me that not everything is got back to normal in my body. not yet. so why take the risk?
One thing that is common in all TTC after MC stories, is that they all agree that their temperatures were all over the place ( they who do temp) and they can not trust the ovulation kit that much, cuz it can happen that it shows + one day and - the next day and again + another day, which we can all agree, no one can can interpret that. my AF was definitely different than my norm this time and this is another common issue you hear over and there.
So all in all I am glad I made that decision and I hope everything is got back to normal now.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
The chemical pregnancy
I had what they called chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage last month.
From the day one I knew something was wrong. specially when i compared that to my previous pregnancy. First of all I got my BFP on 9DPO last time. This time I got negative on 10 and 11 DPO and then a faint positive on 13 dpo. It meant my hormones were not high. I knew that because I knew when was it that I ovulated. So it should had been higher. And secondly, I had no pregnancy symptoms. which is fine on its own. but when you put these two together, its not a good sign. Then days passed and the line got a bit darker but never dark enough till 5 weeks and 2 days when I started bleeding. The next day, my HCG was 7! 7, is almost nothing. 7 is not pregnant. 7 means all is already gone. It hurt. Physically and emotionally hurt. But the silver-lining was, I believed something was wrong from the beginning. I believed that its not the way it supposed to happen.
One of the hardest things to deal with in the process of loss of that baby, was my closest cousin announced that she is pregnant. and guess what? the exact due date as mine ( or as if I was still pregnant) . I am super happy for her, cause I love her like a sister, but it will remind me every time, that we were supposed to be baby buddies. there was supposed to be a baby at the exact age. I haven't told her . I probably never will. and I hope I can cope with that better in time.
The doctor told me that I can try right away. he said there is no evidence, what so ever, that getting pregnant immediately after CP specially when everything went out naturally, will cause another miscarriage or increase the risk of it. In fact, people are very fertile after that. So it was a hard decision for me, to wait or not to wait. I decided to wait at least one cycle. I wanted to be sure. to be ready. not jump into something that causes me stress. If that calms me a bit , so be it .
Today the MC cycle finally ended and the next one began. I never thought I would be that happy to see the AF coming.
I need lots of luck this month.
PS:
Want a refresh on abbreviations ?
BFP : big fat positive ( on pregnancy tests)
DPO : day past ovulation
AF : Aunt flu. mens.
CP : chemical pregnancy
MC: miscarriage
HCG : pregnancy hormone
From the day one I knew something was wrong. specially when i compared that to my previous pregnancy. First of all I got my BFP on 9DPO last time. This time I got negative on 10 and 11 DPO and then a faint positive on 13 dpo. It meant my hormones were not high. I knew that because I knew when was it that I ovulated. So it should had been higher. And secondly, I had no pregnancy symptoms. which is fine on its own. but when you put these two together, its not a good sign. Then days passed and the line got a bit darker but never dark enough till 5 weeks and 2 days when I started bleeding. The next day, my HCG was 7! 7, is almost nothing. 7 is not pregnant. 7 means all is already gone. It hurt. Physically and emotionally hurt. But the silver-lining was, I believed something was wrong from the beginning. I believed that its not the way it supposed to happen.
One of the hardest things to deal with in the process of loss of that baby, was my closest cousin announced that she is pregnant. and guess what? the exact due date as mine ( or as if I was still pregnant) . I am super happy for her, cause I love her like a sister, but it will remind me every time, that we were supposed to be baby buddies. there was supposed to be a baby at the exact age. I haven't told her . I probably never will. and I hope I can cope with that better in time.
The doctor told me that I can try right away. he said there is no evidence, what so ever, that getting pregnant immediately after CP specially when everything went out naturally, will cause another miscarriage or increase the risk of it. In fact, people are very fertile after that. So it was a hard decision for me, to wait or not to wait. I decided to wait at least one cycle. I wanted to be sure. to be ready. not jump into something that causes me stress. If that calms me a bit , so be it .
Today the MC cycle finally ended and the next one began. I never thought I would be that happy to see the AF coming.
I need lots of luck this month.
PS:
Want a refresh on abbreviations ?
BFP : big fat positive ( on pregnancy tests)
DPO : day past ovulation
AF : Aunt flu. mens.
CP : chemical pregnancy
MC: miscarriage
HCG : pregnancy hormone
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