Week 10, first important Ultrasound

I'm so emotional today, that I want to cry all the time. I don't know exactly why, but I have some ideas. first of all, hormones. right? but other than that, today is my second U/S and I am scared and excited. I don't know what is going on my mind right now, but I feel like I can not eat, drink or think. all I can do is refreshing Facebook and twitter and kill the time. the worst part is I am at work and have to work. I called in sick the past 2 days first, because I felt like catching cold , and second, I couldn't concentrate and that wouldn't be fair that I just come to the work and refresh Facebook like crazy.
Besides, I am emotional about everything that is going to happen. should I stay here in this city alone until birth and then take the baby, go to my parents? or just go to my parents before birth and ditch work? I feel like I am absolutely alone in this city. I have couple of friends which I don't think they care that much and thats it. I need family. I need my parents. although I do not have so much friends in their city too. I wish we could all go back to my birth city and live there happily ever after, but that aint gonna happen. we moved on from that city. no return.
I'm dying here. literally dying. I want to see my baby healthy and big and cute. I can not wait this couple of hours to the appointment. I wish I could sleep and wake up 6 hours later. Im getting crazy :(

Its 2 days after those lines now. my little peanut was cute and healthy and adorable. the heartbeat was loud and clear. amazing. her/his little tows and fingers was visible and she/he moved a bit .
I am blessed and thankful and happy. cant wait to pass the first trimester with no complication and know the gender. I love my little peanut.

Week 8, Maternity clothes

I bought my first maternity pants yesterday! I am so excited, and god they are sooo comfy.
I know it's too early but I have problem with my regular pants, nothing fits anymore. My pants are usually very tight, so they didn't have any extra space even for a bit of getting fat, but this is beyond "a bit" , I heard that some people show early and my belly was always the first thing in my body which showed I'm getting fat, but still it's a bit weird to me.
I don't care, I have my maternity comfy jeans, they make me happy :)

I can't wait for my next U/S. The little peanut is getting legs and arms now and they are super cute as I saw in other U/S pics. I have to wait 2 weeks though.

Week 8/9

I had the weirdest dream ever. I dreamt of the whole new perspective of my gender as I didn't know before. I woke up and I was sure that has something todo with baby's gender. I googled and it had! I mean, its like old wives tale, no one knows if its true, but the exact same dream exists when I google. Thats weird, right?
I will write the details here after I find out the gender. It will be fun if it's true :)
And I remembered I read that in this week the sexual organs are forming. They wont be visible yet, but they are forming.

This week was tough. I had a day and half of super good condition without any nausea or anything which made me panic. Then they came back to me again and I got happy again. One or 2 more weeks and then the HCG will drop, and the nausea will be gone. One or 2 more weeks to the better stuff. cant wait.

Better safe than sorry

I know everybody says if you are too picky and overprotective you will hurt yourself more, but I can not help being picky with what I eat. I google every single new ingredient that I eat. And ask people in the restaurant : is your mayo home made? where is your yoghurt come from?
I'm driving people crazy I guess, and sometimes myself.
So this morning I wanted to make a tea at work, I went through all tea bags, earl-gray : too much caffein, chamomile-honey : I heard chamomile is not that good, cinnamon-ginger : heard cinnamon is not good at all, green tea-maple: I have no idea about maple, should I look it up?
So I ended up deciding normal black tea is the safest, I only should be careful about how much caffein I'll have the rest of the day.
I know at this point you are thinking to yourself: OMG, people are crazy. they cant have a life.
The truth is I know that I am being overprotective, I know that I'm acting like a picky obsessed person, but I can not imagine doing anything, ANYTHING harmful to the baby just because I think it should be fine. So at the end I think I'm doing the right thing, and it's always better to be safe than sorry.

Week 7, first U/S

I saw my little peanuts heartbeat and it was AMAZING. There was a teeny tiny heart inside me, beating. I can not describe my feeling. And I can not describe also how much I'm worried now that I know thats this tiny and vulnerable. its kinda scary.
The doctor said it seems like you are a worrier. I think he is right. It seems like I am.

Week 7 - symptoms

It hit me. All possible symptoms hit me right after 6 weeks! Nausea, dizziness, hot flashes, feeling faint and much more. The worst part is nausea, hot flashes and feeling faint, cause in that case I need to lay down, and its almost impossible at work. I really have no idea how people go to work in their first trimester, but it's not easy.
It reminds me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily said "this baby better to be very cute cause I feel terrible now" . Babies are always cute, so I guess that's always the deal. ;)

The world is full of surprises

I read some pregnancy stories and I'm in shock. I always thought it can be possible that somebody does something harmful during the pregnancy because she has no clue that this can not be safe. But I never ever thought people do know something is really harmful to the baby and they still do that.
I read tons of stories about people who enjoy smoking and can't quit during pregnancy. I honestly don't get it. How is it possible that you know it's dangerous for the baby and you still do it? I don't understand and I don't want to.
Frankly reading some pregnancy stories is like watching movies for me, I have a feeling that they are not real cause some of them are far too unrealistic. I guess I am just lucky to live in a part of the world that I had no experience as such around me. Thats why some of them seem really fictional to me.
I think I am really thankful for the awareness around me.

Week 6

Week 6 is finished. I'm getting used to the cramps, or actually I'm learning how they work. Now I know which one caused by IBS and which types can be normal. But I still have the feeling that I'm carrying a glass bubble.
I have all kinds of digestion problem as well, in addition to nausea. It's not really a piece of cake but I'm enjoying it. I haven't turned on my super excitement button though, not yet. It's still early and I want to be sure everything is ok. I hope it will be, but I'm suppressing my feeling for another week or two.

I haven't told anybody yet, except for my parents, my bro and one of my friends who is also pg, 5 month. Oh, and the big boss. He was not on the list, he just caught me by asking some serious questions about my future in the company, so I told him. But not the ones under him. I have a lots of bosses ;)

I want to have an u/s at the end of this week. It may be still early for heartbeat but I cant wait. so many girls heard their peanut's heartbeat between week 6 and 7. So I'm really wishing for some excitement at the end of this week.

Week 5

After a week stressing about my blood work, today I got the results and everything looks good. I read that there was no need for blood test or even ultrasound that early in the pregnancy, I have no idea why my GP and OBGYN didn't think that much. They even didn't pay attention to what I was saying. Hopeless.
But I'm not going to stress myself out over my GP, and frankly I'm glad I know the results now, cuz now I can relax.
I still cant believe I'm having a baby. I have all kind of symptoms though, and that's good. I'm very tired, have very mild cramps, tender breasts, nausea, super frequent urination and much more.
Actually I like having mild symptoms, I reminds me every minute that there is a little peanut growing inside me. I really pray and wish that everything goes fine. finger crossed.

Week 4

I don't like my GP. He just took all of the joy from us and replaced it with fear and stress.
I had my appointment yesterday, which was exactly 4 weeks. He said he sees nothing is ultrasound ( of course, what did you expect?) and I have to check my hCG for seeing the rise.
That's good that we have to check the hCG, but he was also suspected ectopic which is very soon to be suspicious about. I mean, come on! There are lots of people who can not even have the positive HPT on cd29. Even I know it's normal to see no sac in u/s or not having a super strong positive urine test on 4weeks and 0 days.
I'm literally dying here waiting for the first hCG result, and of course the second one which will be in 2-3 days would be even worse to wait for.

I dreamt of bleeding heavy last night. what if it's really an ectopic? what if it's a m/c . Was it really necessary to scare the hell out of me? I think he is stupid, even though he might be right and anything can happen, he is just stupid.

Week 4

Man, being pregnant is hard! ;)
I'm only 4 weeks and already experienced that its not a piece of cake! last night I was awake from 4 am to 6 am, so the night before. Why is it so hard to sleep already? Besides I always had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) which kind of was gone away but came back since 2 days ago so I had pain all day yesterday, I googled and I found out pregnancy aggravates IBS, and you can not take any pills for that. I only can wish myself luck :D

I'm sitting and thinking about how and when should I tell people. Sometimes in my train of thoughts the fact that it's really happening is like a slap to my face! literally, I get shock-like shake. Then I wake up, smile big and continue thinking. should I wait till 6 weeks? 8? 12? who should be first, who last?
I wish I could post a picture of my BFP on Instagram or Facebook and finish! but I don't want to tell people that soon now.
Seems like some people know how and when they are going to tell people, even before they are pg. Honestly I don't know what do I want to do.

YEAP ! I'm pregnant. The peanut is there! I still cant believe it.
I tested again last night with another brand, and this morning with clearblue digital.
I have a mix feeling of panic, happiness, shocked and again happiness! it's weeeeird!

Of course yesterday I remembered my drinking of shame on Saturday, and the smoked salmon, and the fact that I forgot my folic acid one day during last week. I googled drinking a bit in early pregnancy and turned out it's not a real big deal and I can relax. There are tons of women who don't know they are pregnant and drink.

I have a rule of thumb, whatever is natural it cant be bad! and by natural I mean anything that can happen either when people don't know they are pg, or is a part of daily routine. For example lifting heavy stuff is forbidden, but what about the women who have another baby 1 or 2 years old, and they are pg again? they have to lift their kids anyway. I never heard that it can be a huge problem.
Another rule of thumb related to this one, don't surprise your body! perhaps lifting somebody else's kid is not a good idea, cuz your body is not used to do so.

I'm actually reviewing these to myself. I need to remember so many things, and read a lot. who can concentrate at work with all these thoughts now?

I may faint now ! I think I'm pregnant!

Yesterday was 9DPO, I knew it was early, but since my luteal phase is 12-13 days, so I thought it would be AF- 4 and maybe I can test. I had 10 internet cheap one-time strips, so I thought I can start with them and when anything, I can confirm with clearblue. Anyway, the result was negative, but I saw a very very very faint line, like a shadow. I really didn't know if it was even there before testing or it just appeared.
I decided to wait until Friday and test again.
This morning Fertility Friend said that my chart turned triphasic. It means I had at least 3 days higher temperature, higher than the rest of the chart. which usually means pregnancy. Since I don't trust my thermometer that much, I didn't take it seriously. ( but I was hopeful at least )
I was still in bed that I remembered I have dentist appointment today. I'm not sure if the dentist should know If anybody is pregnant or it doesn't matter, but suddenly I decided to test, so I could tell the dentist to be careful. I tested with a clearblue, not digital one, the one that can be minus or plus, and after a while I saw a big plus smiling at me!
I jumped out of the bathroom and asked Cy if he thinks it's a positive. He was shocked and repeatedly asked wasn't it too soon to test?

I really don't know what I saw. Can it be false positive? Ok, I'm really going to faint now!
I think I have to test more to confirm. isn't it really too soon? 10DPO? did I pee right? is the test reliable enough? is it really happening? OMG, I can't believe it.

We went to a friend's house on saturday, and although I had a good excuse for not drinking (:driving), I had a glass of cola-rum. So caffein and alcohol! and that wasn't just it, I also had couple of smoked salmon sandwiches.
I couldn't help it. Not because I am so in love with smoked salmon (which I'm really not) or I really wanted to drink, cause I didn't. But only because I was kind of angry at the TTC process, I was like: great, now that it will take forever, it means every other 2 weeks, I have to pretend that I'm pregnant and bam! the AF.
So it really seems like that I'm punishing myself, which is not a good thing, but I think I'm learning, I'm learning that I'm moodier than ever, and I have to listen to it, and to my body. besides I have to really be relax and live my life and not holding everything for this.

The stressful/fun part of the cycle is over, and now only the stressful part remains ;)  I think I'm 1DPO, still waiting for FF to confirm it, because my temping was weird this month. Last month my chart was like a standard sample chart some websites use to describe how things work. But this month it was a bit crazy.
So my 2ww started today ( or yesterday, maybe) . Something tells me that I shouldn't get my hopes up for this cycle. Everything was so unsure from the beginning. I'll see in about 12-14 days.

Keep calm poster

When I made the phrase : "keep calm and try next month" up in the last post, I googled it to see if it actually exists, and it wasn't !
So I made the poster in the keep calmomatic website.
Something to cheer us up, all of us who are in the same boat of TTCing.

Click here or this to see the poster :)

keep calm, try next month

Everything is getting too stressful, I try hard not be like this, but even trying hard not having stress, gives me stress!
I am trying to have an internal discussions with myself, with the subject: "keep calm, try next month".

I'm out

Ok, I'm officially out this cycle, the AF came today.
This morning I checked my temp and it was dropped a lot. So I was waiting for the AF with disappointment, and it came in the afternoon. I don't know which one hurts more, the cramps or the disappointment, but it hurts.

Then I decided to find some bright side in this, so I tried to make a list of things that I can do in the next 2 weeks I have to the next O. The first thing came to my mind was I don't have to deal with the problem of drinking in our company's dinner next week. I really didn't want to tell my bosses and colleagues that I'm pg, but didn't know what kind of excuse should I have for not drinking. Now I don't have the problem anymore.
The next problem was that my annual breast check-up is in 10 days, and it wouldn't be that easy if I was pg. So I can have a proper check-up and get ready for the next month. besides, I can eat better and exercise more.

So, go september!

Although probability sucks, but the bottom line is you should be hopeful.

Yesterday, Cy ( the-father-to-be of the peanut-to-be) tried so hard to explain the probability of getting pregnant to me. but it seems like I will never understand it. He said that if you say in best case that there is only 25-30% chance of conceive in each cycle, the chance increases when you try that 10 times (10 cycles) for example. so you have the better chance trying for 10-12 months than 1-2 months. mmm, what? I know if everything is fine, then it will happen eventually, and you have to try till you get your BFP, but the probability increases? really?
He even gave me the example of flipping a coin , it's 50-50 to get head or tail if you flip only once, but if you flip it 500 times, then the probability of getting a tail is not 50 anymore, it's much higher.
mmmm, what again? God I even hated probabilities in school. I never understood them and I never will and still I call myself an engineer, shame on me. Why this has to be so hard?
Anyway, what he meant was it's true that your chance of getting pg is not that high when you start, but by more attempts the chance is getting higher and be hopeful. Although I don't get the logic, but I can accept that from him (after I yelled at him tho) , that I should be hopeful after all.

P.S : 11DPO, I feel nauseated a bit. That's new. I had a decaf coffee with milk and couple of cashews in the morning and salad for lunch. it shouldn't be something I ate right? Actually I hope not!

I wake up everyday saying to myself: "OK, I'm sure I'm not pregnant" , then I change my mind during the day. The first thing which makes me think I'm not pg, is the BBT. For those who have no clue about the BBT : the Basal Body Temperature is your body temp exactly the time you wake up in the morning from at least 3-4 hours sleep. you shouldn't drink, eat, stand up or cuddle before you measure your temp.
People usually take their BBT daily and save it in a chart to figure out their ovulation day. If you chart your BBT, you'll see a clear rise of temp the day after ovulation. that day would be the 1DPO.
The point of continuing with BBT after O is that it will sink again exactly before the AF. So if it doesn't, that means you are pregnant.
I also checked lots of charts on fertility friend website. so many pregnant charts had another rise in their temp at the end of the cycle, instead of going down for AF, they went up. but  there were also some charts end up with pregnancy that they didn't have much rise, just stayed high.

So every morning I wake up hoping to get a higher temp, but I don't, and that disappoints me. And since I don't "feel" pregnant I definitely decide that I'm not.

I also have a mix feeling that this shouldn't be like this. and I shouldn't be that obsess with the process, and it will happen at it's time. I was just never patient in my whole life.

I know I use the terms and abbreviations which is fairly common in pregnancy forums and blogs, so here is a list of pregnancy related abbreviations for those who are new in this:

0 - 9
2WW (aka. TWW) - Two Week Wait - Luteal Phase - 14 days after ovulation 

A
AF - Aunt Flo, menstruation, period 
AI - Artificial Insemination 
AKA - Also Known As 

B
BBT - Basal Body Temperature 

Last cycle I had a lots of symptoms, I had cramps all the time, tender breast, vivid dreams, etc. and of course it was a BFN. This cycle I don't have much symptom, I had pain in my right lower abdomen, but that can be anything. So it seems like you can not trust the symptoms at all. The only way to be sure is wait until AF comes ( or hopefully doesn't) .

I'll put my BBT chart here soon. 

P.s: confused about the abbreviations? go to the next post ;)

The weekend was great. no day dreaming, no obsession. Today is 7DPO and according to some websites there can be a shift in temp when implantation happens, between 6 and 12 DPO. So I'm observing that so closely. Although I know it can't prove anything and it's not even a real symptom, it happens for some people but not all.
Anyway, I woke up this morning and first thing checked my temp 2 times in a row. 0.3 deg more than yesterday. I was still in bed after 2 minutes I checked again. same as yesterday, no shift. weird right?
So I really don't know, but I'm going to see what happens tomorrow.
Also I found out that you can search through fertility friends' BBT charts and check the ones end up in pregnancy for example. it's never be the same for 2 people, but it can give an overview to see that not everyone has a implantation dip and so on.
There is another website that people sends their symptoms when they had a successful TTC. it's good to hear that there are loooots of people who feel nothing the first 6-7 days post ovulation. cause I have nothing either. I'm just craving more for food, but that's not new and I have a tender breast, which I always had before my AF. While I'm typing this I have a very faint pain in my lower right abdomen, but that can be either my imagination, or my IBS , cause I have that syndrome. So I decided to believe that nothing unusual is going on with me at this moment.

A perfect distraction is on it's way: A piano. I haven't had a piano since I moved out of my parents house. Can't wait to play, perfect timing. I guess it helps to distract myself from obsessing with symptoms and pregnancy for a while. we'll see.

Speaking of symptoms, I know it's way too early for having symptoms, but I crave for food badly. I know I'm a tiny food lover in general, but I think about food, chocolate even ice cream all the time. Can it be somehow related to changes in my body? or it's just a phase in life that people love foods more?

Two-Week-Wait-Brain

Have you ever heard of "Pregnancy Brain" ?
I haven't heard of that from any pregnant woman around me, just from TV shows and movies. So I searched a bit, and found out that the term really exists, but there is no such a thing as changing in brain's function during pregnancy.
People call the forgetfulness that happens sometimes during pregnancy the "Pregnancy Brain" , because sometimes pregnant women live in a different world. the body is here, the mind is wayyy into the future. So, that can cause some crazy acts like you put the car key in the fridge, and milk in the bedroom, or forget to lock the door when you leave the house. but who has never experienced such a forgetfulness in her\his life? I guess everybody ( men and women) has experienced it at least once, when lots of things are going in their minds or they are super busy. right?
So that's the same. Pregnant women are tired, they cant sleep well at night and they are planning everything in their minds all the time, so they can not be as sharp as they used to be. Nothing happens to the brain, they just daydreaming all the time.

Anyway, I think I have that Pregnancy Brain even before I am pregnant. I can't concentrate, I can't work, I only can sit for hours and read blogs and experiences about TTC and pregnancy and compare everything to my symptoms and conditions. Besides I do crazy things too.
Yesterday I spilled tea on my new mac at the office :( I turned it off and let it dry for couple of days. Now I'm working on a spare laptop.
That has never happened to me at work before. Of course this happens when you lay back on the sofa at home, and have your laptop on your lap and want to drink something at the same time, but it's so odd at the office. I blame that pre-pregnancy brain.
In fact I want to make up a term, two-week-wait-brain. how about that?
Today is 4DPO.

This is useful: Surviving the two week wait.

It's one of the first five inks pops up in google search, but still worth mentioning.

We started to think about the little peanut about a year ago. but I reallllyyy wasn't ready, everything was too scary for me. finally this summer I've overcome my fears and started to try. Now I'm even more than ready but I'm not sure about the peanut tho ;)
I'm sitting behind my desk at work and instead of working, I'm reading the forums and websites. So I guess I'm going crazy. today is 3DPO, and at least 10 more days to go.
You know, if i get no BFP it's not the end of the world. I try next month. but this 2 weeks waiting is really the end of the world. I wish we could skip that right away. I'm kidding. I'll wait sanely. In fact I'm going to do some working and get things done here at work.

Ok, I really don't know what I'm going to write here, but apparently the TTC is damn hard ( emotionally) and the 2 weeks waiting is a pure torture. So I just decided to write more and think less. how about that?